Why We Work With Parents, Not Just Children, In Play Therapy.

When you walk into Safe Steps in Kildare Town, we don’t expect you or your child to have all the answers. In fact, most of the families who come to see us are carrying a quiet exhaustion, a feeling of having tried everything, and perhaps may even be worried about what therapy will actually look like.

Parents often wonder if they are just meant to drop their child off at the door and wait down the hall. But at Safe Steps, when we are using the co-therapy model things are a little different. When working within the co therapy model we support both you and your child in parallel with dedicated play therapy and parent support sessions. We do this because children don’t heal in isolation; they heal within relationships.

To help you understand how this works, we want to give you an overview of how we typically structure a session and show you the quiet, gentle rhythm of how we work together.

"In that moment, without a single spoken word, the child has started the real conversation."

Before We Begin: Checking In Together.

Every session begins in our main room. Before we split into our separate spaces, we all sit down together - you, your child, your child's therapist and your supporting therapist.

Although this room has a comfy sofa, a couple of comfy arm chairs and a few plants to make it earthy and homely, we always have a few gentle play-based, fidgety toys waiting on the table. Children don’t usually sit down and tell us about their week in words. Instead, they instinctively gravitate toward what they need to show us.

We might sit together and ask, "I wonder how things have been since we saw you last week?". This question is for the parent(s) and the child.

A mum or dad might tell us something along the lines of “things haven’t been too bad, a little up and down here and there but ok”.  At the same time, the child might move toward the table, and pick up five blocks and try, over and over, to stack them on top of each other. Each time, the blocks tumble down. The child might let out a heavy somatic sigh, or slide dramatically onto the rug, looking entirely spent.

In that moment, without a single spoken word, the child has started the real conversation. They are letting us know how they are feeling, not through words, but through their bodies and through play. if we could put words on that piece of communication it may say: "for me, it's still hard. I'm trying my best to keep everything standing, but it keeps falling down, and I am so tired."

By seeing and feeling this communication in our own bodies we can gently reflect it to the child and continue the conversation that has begun, "It's tricky to get things to stay standing, eh?... that looks really hard", while simultaneously mirroring the child's somatic expression of exasperation and exhaustion", we let the child know they are heard. That brief check-in gives both therapists a felt sense of where the child is. It becomes a gentle road map that guides both of our sessions.

What Happens In Your Room While Your Child Is In Theirs?

Once we check in, we move into our separate spaces.

It is important to be clear: the parenting space is not therapy for you. Instead, it is a protected, supportive space to explore the underlying dynamics that are playing out at home.

When your child is struggling, it can stir something deep within you, often times activating old patterns, feelings or protective responses. Some of this might be your own history and attachment experiences rising to the surface. Other times, what you’re feeling may actually be coming from your child, where your child is unconsciously communicating through you what they cant yet express in words.

While you are exploring this in your room, your child is in the playroom, using play to work through their own inner world. The two sessions run in parallel, holding both sides of the relationship simultaneously. We will explore this parallel- but-linked process more in another post.

“Ultimately, we are working toward a moment where trust is reborn, where safety is felt so deeply in the body that the child feels safe enough to simply fall into the parent."

The Reunion: Falling into Safety

By the end of the 50 minutes, we prepare for the reunion of you and your child.

As a parent, you spend the last few minutes of your session moving out of the "work" space, preparing your mind and your body to greet your child. This transition is so important.

It is easy to think of play therapy as "just play," but for a child, the playroom is a place of deep, internal processing, where hard things are met and worked through. It can be hard and tiring work, especially in the earlier and mid way sessions. When they step out of the playroom and walk back into the family room, they need a soft and safe place to land.

They will need to be held through your connection. Sometimes, simply learning how to meet each other on their return and attuning to the child’s vulnerability after a session, can be something we spend several weeks working on.

Ultimately, we are working toward a moment where trust is reborn, where your child feels safe enough to simply fall into you. This is especially true for children who find it hard to feel calm or safe, who may seem anxious or clingy or easily melt down, or who may become aggressive, or even the opposite, those who shut down and zone out. When children are experiencing these types of nervous system states it can be easy for both parent and child to feel like they have lost each other along the way. The image that comes to mind is of two islands. The parent(s) on one island and the child on the other, both having gotten separated during a storm.

During the transition from the playroom back to you, we are helping you both build a bridge between the islands, so that you both can reach each other again, one safe step at a time.